Letting Go . . .

I want to forget

forget whatever connection that was

cut myself away from moments that led me there

I want to be free

& maybe if I wished it enough,

history will erase the events

Sometimes, I stare into space

I remember every single negative feeling I have felt because of you

and I keep scratching the wounds, so why do I expect them to heal?

Sometimes, I just stare into space

...& I remember the negative feelings

... at odd times, the events are a memory fading in the dust

but the way they made me feel?!! those my heart holds on to so closely

I want to forget

Let it all go

I want to forgive but I don't always know how

Fighting within myself,

gaining perspective,

understanding lessons I didn't want to learn

but those negative emotions you brought?

I cling to them like my life depends on it

But these days, I realize that its not really about you

It's not about your apologies,

or if they are sincere or faux

it's about me...

& how I occasionally live in those unpleasant moments

stuck and unable to heal

I realize it's about me

the part I took

unable to forgive myself for allowing it

unable to forgive myself for being in those situations.

I always thought, "NEVER, it would never be me!"

But it was, it ended up being me!

all the while, I ask myself how I got there,

how I strolled through the season,

approving every-single episode.

at the end, I did this too.

So, how can I forgive myself?

To forgive you, I need to forgive me

& I don't need you for that.

I need myself.

I need to stop scratching the wounds,

to really take this as part of my journey ...

& to move on, I need to let it go, for myself.

I need to breathe .... to heal ... to forgive