I have always wanted you
craved you like the smell of freshly baked goodies
I have always wanted to be with you;
to have you here, singing melody to my soul.
But when you came around,
I didn't know how to be myself around you,
I did not understand what you were doing with me.
& when I found myself loving you, I panicked;
I was certain something was going to take you away from me.
I knew how to do life with you but so perfectly incomplete with you.
Maybe I wasn't sure how else to be or if there was truly freedom to be me
Maybe my mind believed in the healthiness that is sadness,
& the warmth of the shackles of fear.
You see, you showed me the reality of the addiction of sadness.
My face radiant like the day's light
but my soul had a different kind of light;
the kind that quietly burns you.
It was like I was playing for an audience,
& they were only allowed to see my smile.
Many times, I let them rule me.
I needed to discover me to keep you.
This heart once defeated, for the first in a long time,
its learnt how to live with you, to be content with you
& have faith that the story will go on ..... positively so.
I have found strength in being,
finally breathing out pressure and shaking off the shackles of expectations
I learnt to accept me for me.
You see, to keep you, I needed to keep me.
To truly accept and love me
I needed to learn more about me,
free myself from pleasing an empty audience,
to let go, to be free in my thoughts.
to be honest in my truth
to forgive myself & others,
to allow healing.
I needed to hug myself for a journey that would only get better
I needed to be kinder to myself.
I can believe you are here;
You are here, blessed with peace and reminding me of the gift of light in me
reminding me that as long as I am here, there will always be a way
Thank you for fighting for me.
I will continue to fight for you too..