“Ta-ran-ta-teran-ta-teran-ta-ter-ran” my alarm wakes me up at about 5:30am and I open my eyes to start the day. I remember the day ahead of me and my room suddenly becomes smaller; I feel cold, my back hurts, my bones hurt, and the strength to get up is missing. I can’t find my strength. I grab my blanket, and tuck myself in some more; my heart feels void, and I am confused. Mornings used to be my favorite time of the day, a reminder of new beginnings and hope; but now, all they bring are these tears. I feel tears run down my face, and I say a short prayer, “Dear Lord, I don’t want to do this anymore, please take the pain away”. It is now 6:50am and I am still stuck in bed, heart broken. This odd hollow feeling has been my reality for a while now. I try to ignore the pain, I get up to take a shower because the fast warm drops of water throughout my body makes it better. I paint up, and look pretty in my clothes. My painted face and beautiful smile hides it all. I am off to work.
Work felt like a cave and I felt trapped. There was a strong urge to wake up one morning and never go back. My life felt like a wall clock and with each tick, I felt useless. I was so determined to know my purpose or how I could get there. I wanted to make the pain go away and maybe knowing my purpose was going to help me.
You would think my life was apologetically sad, or you may think that if it wasn’t, then I must be such an ungrateful person. Nonetheless, I was aware of the world and understood my life was okay; everything looked glossy on the outside but this battle was bigger than me, or so I thought. I was ashamed and felt as if no one would understand. Comedy shows that I love so much started becoming boring and yoga tensed my muscles instead of helping me relax. I craved balance, happiness, and a sound mind but was too exhausted. Everything became so much work. I did not have a sound mind.
I needed help but a part of me didn’t want anyone to notice either. I am supposed to be a light and be strong. I am known to bring positive energy and wanted to keep it that way. I hid everything well. I didn't want anyone to worry.
Four months into my previous role, I knew deep down it wasn't for me, I already wasn't happy; but I was distracted and focused on getting my designation. However, it only helped temporarily. It is important to note that I was mistaken that my job was the only reason I felt empty. It was a major trigger but there was more to deal with.
I stayed. "Adulting" did not feel easy. I was extremely stressed. I still had all these expenses to deal with and I wanted to keep taking care of myself. I was broke and was trying to be smart with my finances. The consequences of leaving scared me. I was favored where I was, I got a promotion but felt so guilty. I knew I could offer more value elsewhere and someone else could give their best here. The guilt ate me up. The stress level increased. Did I even have a purpose? I started questioning that.
I applied to so many jobs, updated my resume, talked to people in my industry, networked. I got some valuable advice and some negative opinions too. I was willing to do a part time job but nothing came, not even one interview came. I was extremely frustrated but God had other plans for me.
Everyday was painful. I remember looking into the mirror sometimes and wondering who that girl was. I was lost and could barely find me. My mind wasn't sound and the dark cloud was swallowing me. I became so negative in my thoughts and I hated that. For the first time in my life, I experienced panic attacks (though a few times). I wasn't sure what was going on the first time it happened or if I was having a heart attack. So, I checked and discovered it was a panic attack.
I tried to talk about what was going on with me but I was too ashamed to let anyone know how serious it was.
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One morning, I checked my phone and my data usage had passed its limit and I was so angry. I screamed!! It was as if every bit of frustration in me formed a giant ball and was tearing out of my mind. I didn’t know what else to do. I cried so much that morning and realized that the pain I felt obviously wasn’t because of the data usage.
My eyes were swollen and my head hurting as I let out the rivers. At this point, I came to admit I had a problem and needed to deal with it right away. I needed to get help ASAP!
I sent a long message to a friend of mine and begged her not to feel sorry for me or tell anyone. I think I needed to confess to someone and maybe have someone be accountable for me. She prayed for me. The best thing she did was not to freak out or show pity but she was there. I spoke to one more person about how serious it was and they both agreed that I needed professional counseling. I agreed. It was the best decision. I went for counseling for about two months. They were constantly checking in and counseling me too. It helped. It really helped.
Healing
I was determined to be mentally healthy and it was a lot of work to get back to normal. Initially, I focused on the small immediate victories. For example, when I woke up, I would think about how I enjoy a warm shower instead of why I didn't want to see anyone. Every day was different, and some days were harder than others but I could see progress. With time, I caught myself laughing out loud watching comedy, and I felt like: "yassss Abi !"
I realized I had insecurities from so many years that I never addressed and started to deal with them. I realized that we all get drained and sometimes we just can't do it all. We can't be there for anyone at all times - we are all trying. I can only try. We all need to re-energize. I learned to say NO and why it is very important.
I dealt with feeling like I wasn't enough which stems from my childhood. This is a whole subject I am not sure I will ever share. I also had to redefine relationships in my life, and it has been better for me. Some are still a work in progress but I needed peace in my relationships.
I am thankful for wisdom and strength to fight for myself. I am an empowered person.
I am enough!
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28 was real work for me. I watched myself starting off the year in depression, tears, fear and for some reason, shame. Throughout the year, I made tough decisions that have been best for me and I did not rely on what other people would think. l go to God and check within my spirit. I would often ask myself, "what is the worst that could happen?" and realized that there would always be a way out. The reality that God will always take care of me continues to me so true, and so real. I am learning to take life one step at a time, as we need to slow down and take it easy.
I learned that the mind is such a powerful tool. It is so important that we guard it and take good care of it. If the mind is broken, what is next?
My birthday month is December and a few weeks before 29, I was reflecting on my life and my twenties especially. I realized how much of a fighter I am and that giving up is never an option. I have taken risks I didn't even believe I took while making the decisions. God has been a light in my part and he keeps writing my story. I realized how far I have come, and my countless testimonies. For starters; I am alive and well. I am certain that no matter what life throws at me I will end up fine. I am not afraid, the Lord is with me.
At 29, I am looking forward to everything that will happen with my life as it will only get better from here. I hope that my life will impact others and that every time I share my story, someone is blessed. I intend to keep living my life like it is golden. My life is golden.
