Heeeeyy people! Welcome to another episode of the Dating Series. Today's story is soft and packaged with lessons. I hope you enjoy it ...
It was a sunny Sunday, I was in a good mood, I had gone to church and felt really full in my heart. My phone rings and a girl I know starts a speech about this guy friend of hers. Talmbout how he wants to get to know me, he has a nice job, looks good and blah blah. Mahn! She sold him so strong and his pictures were good so I agreed. I mean, I was single so, why not?
We started talking and he seemed like a guy whose head was well on his neck. We chatted frequently and while I wasn't getting in my feelings, I was interested to see how it would go. I mean, he ticked many boxes on my list. He was nice and chill, had a good job/ was ambitious, had some unexpected fun things about him, we could hold a conversation, and so on. So ya, I thought of him as a maybe.
After about 2 or 3 months ( I think), he said he wanted to visit. Mr asked about my weekend plans and so on, and I gave him a couple. I did not take him seriously because how many times has a guy sold a girl things that never came to pass? I refused to be cruised lol.
One day, Mr. called saying he had booked his tickets and has an evening planned out for us.
Ah! He was serious o! I never experrited it!
I was like; damn girl! you are really one in a million lol.
To be honest, I looked forward to it. There were a couple of things I liked about his visit. He didn't force me, or try to guilt trip me for having some other plans. He was respectful. There was no pressure at all. I liked that. I loved that he planned something special for us too. It was a different kind of first date, it was sweet, it was thoughtful and it was intentional. It reminded me of how special I am.
We met briefly during the day before the evening came, and I really wanted us to "connect" but there was nothing to my surprise. Though we had a nice evening out, I was shocked as to the direction the evening took our friendship. We had some honest conversations and asked one another some key questions. Hmm, it was pretty disappointing for me when we realized that we didn't want the same things. It wasn't supposed to turn out that way, it was supposed to be smooth sailing reciprocated. I really wanted it to work and wanted this to be it but it just turned to a ball of nothing. We never talked about letting each other go in those conversations, but I believe we both knew what the truth was. We called & texted less and with time, once in a while.
While this was annoying at the time, it was the best decision. This experience thought & re-thought me a few lessons that I am sharing:
- "Good" is not enough: Being a good person is not enough reason to be with someone. In this story, this guy was supposed to be it, and maybe he felt same about me; however, it was a no for both of us. I am grateful that we both recognized this and respected it too.
I learned more that you have to be honest about what you want and if the person aligns with it. You should be able to imagine how you would both make it work and vision them in a future with you. If you don't, there is no point deceiving yourselves (except if it's a casual relationship). Don't waste your time or the person's time, it is better not to force things. It gives you more peace.
- You can Say No: There may be 5 cents of guilt when you say no to a "good person". Know that at this point, you can be selfish, so again, think about your future. If this person tries to guilt trip you about their being nice to you, then maybe the niceness is an act. You should never feel obligated to be with anyone, you should genuinely want to. A person who cares about you should respect your decision.
- Others saying No is a blessing: While dating, I have been fine with telling a guy I have feelings for him. I am not afraid of asking the dreaded "What are we?" question, and I believe in defining my romantic relationships - "are we committed? or is this a situation-ship?" Please I don't like stories that touch/ hearing stories for dayzz lol. I digress; so, yes, I have gotten a no sometimes but it has helped me move on better and faster. Some people have to hear the no so that they don't hold on; and I happen to be one of those people.
People telling you NO frees you up to meet other people, and gives you a chance to meet someone who is crazy about being with you as you are about them. It's better than living a lie or being in a one-sided relationship or a dead end situation-ship.
At the end of the day, do what you know will give you peace. There are no real rules but your heart knows deep down. In this journey of finding love, pick someone that picks you. Someone whom you feel warm about, who makes your heart tingle. It is wrong to be with someone out of convenience or only because they are nice. You will most likely end up hurting them or suffer emotionally yourself.
What do you think about today's post? Do you agree with me? why? or why not? Have you found yourself in similar situations?
I hope you enjoyed this and will return soon.
Love,
Abi Tobi