Goodbye ...

Hello there,

It has been couple of years since we were, and I have been meaning to write - to truly ask how you are. Are you still thinking about Law School? How is your health? How is your art? How is your heart? How are you, my friend?

I will always speak well of you, always care for you - carry you in a corner of my heart, for what once was. And no matter what, if you ever need me, I will show up. I think you know that - but I wanted to remind you.

I found a friend in you, someone who cared for me so deeply, I never had to question it. I felt it undeniably. So when you didn’t fight for me, it hurt - more than I like to admit. Because in the end, no matter what we were, it felt like I wasn't enough for you. This girl was never going to be your forever choice. Maybe it was never meant to be. Or maybe it could have been. A part of me wished you had tried. Wished you had given us a chance. Wished you had found me worthy of more.

BUT I can't leave you with all the blame - that would be unfair and disingenuous. I wasn't sure myself. It felt as if the bright dreams I held for me, for you, for us were too intense - too much weight. It’s like I saw something beautiful for you too but your sight was clouded- you could barely see for yourself - yet it’s you, a whole being deserving of the very finest.

I could feel it strongly, your doubt, like a quiet tide and I refuse(d) to dream alone. I didn't want us strong enough for the both of us - so l didn't try either. I let it be, let the silence settle like dust. Your heart felt so true towards me but I could also feel you pulling away - like I was too much for you, as if I was something heavy. I didn't want to carry this alone - we were never meant to be forever.

I remember the last time I saw you. How you looked around the room, careful & deliberately avoiding looking my way. But I was watching, waiting, hoping to catch yours just once. Did I still hold something in you? Why avoid looking at me all night, only to come by last minute to say hello?

It was in that moment I said my goodbyes to you. I thought I had let you go before then but I was wrong. It was that night, in that fleeting moment, that I finally did.

I hope you are well. I hope she is well too. I wish you a life full of happiness.