Do you ever look back at your journey?
Wondering where time flew to?
Do you miss the person you used to be?
however with intensity, cringing at who that person was?
and with a small dash of dislike for who she was?
“Why didn’t you do better back then? I sometimes ask.
Rewinding to softness balanced in my heart & the freeness in dreams I dreamed
Those days I used to look into the world with rose tainted glasses;
wrapped comfortably in a dangerous bubble,
I sometimes wish the bubble did not POP,
that the scales didn't fall off bringing me to reality
Thinking about the safety of not knowing, not being aware
… ignorance is bliss, they say & I think it’s true
Do you sometimes feel like an imposter?
Trying to navigate life & how it turns
moving confidently, chasing dreams but laying alone in fear of “what if I fail?”
"what if they figure me out?"
"Is it true that I have these strengths? maybe, talented in some ways?"
"or am I walking as if my head is held up but faking it?"
Definitely some faking it in there.
Laughing quietly to myself when someone sees more in me than I can imagine…
Are they even being serious?
Feeling my emotions but also learning to ignore them… to pause them
“this one doesn’t matter at this particular moment”
I want no distractions,
I will deal but not right now
that tussle in my heart to push,
to push my “limits”…
Feelings are valid but are they always true?
Do you think about generational curses?
generational bad habits & how they pull you back
now, without that bubble, I am well aware…
I see those habits in me
how I unintentionally re-create similar patterns
while understanding the difficulties of breaking free.
You see, my forefather passed them on to me
Some, a blessing; others, a curse
As I go through these changes in my life
struggling with how to make the best of them
looking at myself in the mirror, working on accepting this reformed person,
more comfortable in my own skin, with my own voice.
I am who I am, I am becoming
working on becoming a better & wiser version of Abi
small as it may, breaking free from unhealthy norms
I realize that change is difficult
I miss who I used to be, almost in it’s entirety
a girl with the silent voice,
wrapped in dangerous ignorance;
Ignorance was bliss…
BUT I almost dislike who I was too,
I wish she knew better, she would have done better
But it is all okay…
Life comes in stages
& this stage is good,
This change, it’s for the best.